Humans Training Tips

chalkboard-1186852-1279x980-2.jpgThis post is for canines living with homo sapiens (aka “humans”). I know the humans refer to you as their “pets” or your “owners”, but let’s be honest – who really owns who?

I already have a series of posts I have tagged as Managing Humans. But I thought I would  summarize for you some of my top three (3) tips for training humans to meet your needs.

Tip #1: Panting

Recently I was diagnoses with hypothyroidism and I went on thyroid meds. I am feeling better and stopped having those strange seizures I was allegedly having in the evening (I do not remember them, just that I was sore and confused).

Before I went on my thyroid meds I was panting a lot. Now that I am on my meds I do not need to pant as much but I have noticed that if I start panting, I can immediately get a human’s attention and concern.

I got put on a low fat diet because of some lab test results (I think they were faked by the suspicious vet office to sell my humans low fat food) and I am not pleased as the humans have cut back on any special table scrap treats (I need bacon to live!!!).

However I used my panting to get them to make some rice (I love rice) to add as a treat to my very boring low fat dog food (who came up with the idea of “dog food”, why can’t we just eat as our humans eat?).

Tip #2: Staring

Staring is a powerful tool to train humans to meet your needs. Mine is called the “Schnauzer Stare” but even if you are not a schnauzer you can perfect this. Breeds such as labs and golden retriever will struggle with this, as when they stare at their humans they will only look cuter (especially golden) and the humans will not realize the purpose of the stare. (However see Tip #3 as “cuteness” can also be a powerful tool to train humans).

When I really want to emphasize the power of my stare, I will shift my weight back and forth on my front lets, to demonstrate my impatience that the human is not doing what I want them to do.

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Never underestimate the power of the stare

A proper stare should actually feel like a glare, especially if time is passing and the human(s) are not abiding your wishes.

Tip #3: Doing Cute Things

The third and sometimes the most powerful tip is to do something cute. Well something the humans find cute.

Have you ever wondered why puppies are not smothered in their sleep by humans? Even after they pee and poop everywhere, chew up their shoes, etc? It is the power of CUTENESS.

If you can elicit an “Awwwwwwwwww” from your humans, you got them hooked!

Here is a photo of one of my classic cute poses used to control my humans:

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My humans become putty in my paws when I do stuff like this.

I hope these tips helped you. Start slow and build. In the future we will move to more advanced human training techniques.


Featured image credit: Chalkboard by BSK, free images.com

The Situation

I know, I know, I rarely post. I am just so busy managing humans I can barely find time to relax, much less time to post to my blog.

I did want to share a recent situation that I had to deal with…

My female human was sitting around with this – a little plate of apples and almond butter:

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I LOVE apples and I LOVE almond butter. Selfishly the female human was eating them in front of me and not sharing.

So I had to implement the SCHNAUZER STARE:

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In addition to the stare, I have an intimidation/human management technique where I shift my weight side to side and clear my throat (in case she is not noticing the burning glare of my stare).

It worked and before I knew it I had experienced a taste of both apple and almond butter.

But I wanted more and had to implement the stare again:

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I think my female human could have saved herself and me a lot of time if she had just made me my own plate!

Suspicious Schnauzer Quilt Coziness

My adopted brother Mike, who loves quilts, has discovered a new way to get cozy in a handmade quilt made by one of our humans (my female and male human, both who I manage, make quilts for Mike and I to stay cozy in).

Here is a quilt covering my female human as she sat on the sofa (my sofa) and read a book:

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But the quilt holds a secret occupant:

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My female human was all snuggled in the quilt, engrossed in her book, when she noticed some movement going on in the corner of the quilt at the floor and then a schnauzer sigh of contentment and the movement stopped.

She peeked under the quilt and discovered this:

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My crazy brother Mike was snuggled inside. I think he just does stuff like this because my humans think it is so cute and he is trying to get attention. I better keep an eye on him because I do not want him taking over as the lead on managing humans!

I am the only Manager the humans need!

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Pull Out the Calculator?

I have not posted in a while as I have been busy managing humans. It takes most of my energy these days, between staying on guard against marauding kitties and suspicious delivery drivers.

The other day I was having a little slowness getting from the floor to my vantage spot at the front window and my two humans looked at each other and the female human said: “You know we adopted Sassy from rescue when she was 8.5 years old and we have had her for 5 years, so she is approximately 13.5 now.”

My male human replied: “That would make her like 91 years old”. My female human gasped and said, “well she is doing pretty well for 91 years old”.

I was wondering how my male human came up with this number. I had heard that humans use a factor of 7 people years for every year of a dog’s life. So 13.5 x 7 = 94.5 (I instructed my female human to use a calculator to get this number).

I asked my female human to check if this was accurate and she found an article on the American Kennel Club’s website – How to Calculate Dog Years to Human Years.

And it states:
As a general guideline, though, the American Veterinary Medical Association breaks it down like this:

  • 15 human years equals the first year of a medium-sized dog’s life.
  • Year two for a dog equals about nine years for a human.
  • And after that, each human year would be approximately five years for a dog.

Using the above info my age would be calculated as 15 + 9 + (11.5 x 5) = 81.5 years old in human years!

See I am not that old after all! Silly humans just using 7 years for the estimate, good thing  I insisted they do further research! This is why I can still easily go on my 2 mile walk with my humans each morning.

Let me close this post with a photo of my adopted brother Mike and I keeping watch for the marauding kitties and suspicious delivery drivers infesting the neighborhood:

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Feature photo credit: Paige Foster, free images.com

 

Human Storage?

I am trying to figure out this “airport” thing…

Is it a place where humans store other humans for a couple days and then go pick them up?

Last week drove my female human to this place called the “airport”. My male human of course drove the car as my legs could not reach the accelerator and brake…and honestly, I do not know how to drive nor do I have interest in learning.

We left my female human at this airport place and then in a couple days later we picked her up. We have done this several times and I am not sure why we send my female human to this airport place to obviously stay at for a couple days. Why doesn’t she want to be home with me being properly managed?

What does she do at this airport place after we drop her off? Is she playing with other dogs or even (gasp) some horrid cat?!?!

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Roberts Field, the strange airport place we drop her off for storage

I suspect my male human is just storing her there for a couple days. Humans are so weird!

It’s Not All About Me

My female human reminds me that my blog should not just be about me all the time. Occasionally I have to blog about my adopted brother Mike. (If you want to read Mike’s story see Taking Chances: The Mike Chronicles)

In my post Month of “The Herd” I shared that while the miniature schnauzer Greta (a master at human management) stayed with us for a week, Mike became obsessed with her bed and wanted to lie in it all the time. Well for Christmas (yes Mike and I get Christmas presents, we are key family members!) Mike got the same type of bed:

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It is his “kitchen orientation spot” and the humans keep it in the kitchen so he can be cozy while they are in there cooking.

Alright that was enough about Mike, here is a photo of me (and Mike) waiting in our “living room orientation spot”. We wait here and “schnauzer-stare” at the humans while they are sitting and watching TV until they let us out the patio door behind us:

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We look slightly irritated because we are waiting to go out, not posing for photographs!

Postscript

Speaking of Christmas, my male human got this awesome T-shirt from my female human’s brother as his holiday gift – I highly approve!

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“Snowmageddon” continues but we have biscuits…

The snow has not let up in Central Oregon. Mike has embraced the snow, I have not (so you will see no photos of me enjoying the snow below…)

Photos from “Snowmageddon”

Here is Mike after rolling in the snow:

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Here is Mike after diving into a snow bank to retrieve his ball:

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Here is the path the humans had to shovel/dig so we would have a place to pee in the morning when we first get up and at night before we go to bed (we go on two walks a day otherwise):

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Biscuits!

We were running low on our organic store bought dog biscuits, so our humans had to breakdown and make them from scratch (as the roads are not very safe to drive to get to the store).

Here is my male human preparing the biscuits (Schnauzer Snacks):

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And here they are – right out of the oven (the house smells so good!):

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If you would like the recipe for Schnauzer Snacks it is on the post: HUMANS ARE OKAY (IF THEY PROVIDE TREATS)