Plans for Miniature Schnauzer World Domination (repost from 11/11/13)

This was originally posted 11/11/2013 on tierneycreates.com.


Did the title of this week’s post make all you human nervous? It should. However it seems like many of you support the plans I will discuss in a moment.

14 of you have responded so far to the poll: Should dogs rule the world?  7 of you agree that the world would better run by dogs; 1 of you does not agree; and 6 of you are unable to make up your mind, which means I can easily sway you to our cause. Miniature schnauzers have an uncanny ability to sway humans to their wishes. (Note:  this poll is now located on the Home page of this blog if you would like to take it)

Making Plans/Plotting our Strategy

This is why my miniature schnauzers friends and I are moving forward with our plans for world domination. In the photo below, I am leading a meeting with my (adopted) brother Snickers, and our friend Jose to map our strategy. My brother and I already have control over the humans we live with and I think we can get a message through the miniature schnauzer network to get their humans under the same control. Eventually we can spread our plan to the entire “domesticated” canine community. As a last resort we might even consider recruiting some cats (ick) to help us. Cats appear to really have humans under their paws.

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One of our humans caught us in the process of planning and photographed it! We need privacy!

Our Simple Demands

You humans can slow the progress towards canine domination if you meet a few of our simple demands:

  1. Enough with the leashes, we want to walk where we want to walk, when we want to walk there, and sniff wherever we please
  2. When we need to be petted or scratched, you will need to do so until your hand goes numb and only then may you stop (maybe)
  3. Dog food? We don’t care about organic dog food and all that crap. We want what YOU are eating. So if you are having a nice meatloaf and mashed potatoes dinner as your meal, then that is the same meal that should also be in our bowl
  4. If you do not make quilts or afghans then you learn immediately how to make them  or find a connection to get many of them as possible for your house. Quilts and afghans are the natural habitat of miniature schnauzers, we cannot properly relax without these basic life necessities

I end my post for this week with these above demands, do not consider them too lightly, Sassy

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It’s My Blog Anniversary Too

I see my female human wrote on her tierneycreates blog about her 4 year Blog Anniversary. Well it is my Schnauzer Snips Blog Anniversary too, it isn’t just about her and her silly blog.

I have not written in a while as I was busy protecting my humans from UPS and Fed-Ex drivers, marauding kitties, and eating too much of their own food (I like my humans nice and trim so I constantly offer to help remove food from their plates). Also I have encouraged my humans to give me plenty of good tummy rubs, and here I am immensely enjoying tummy-rub perfection:

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Finally I am nearly 14 years old and I am not up to writing as much as I used to be. Still there is no reason not to celebrate MY blog anniversary!

Schnauzer Snips: Musings from a Highly Opinionated Miniature Schnauzer began 4 years ago in October 2013 and started as a page on my female humans tierneycreates blog, as she was too lazy to make me my own blog. A couple years later she finally made me my own blog and moved all the content.

I think she just had my blog attached to hers so she would get more readers. Sad, huh?

Well in celebration of MY Blog Anniversary, here is a reposting of my very first Schnauzer Snips post on October 28, 2013.


Life with my Arch-Nemesis: Black Kitty (October 2013)

I want to talk about my arch-nemesis, the very bane of my existence: Black Kitty.

Black Kitty is an apparently feral cat that roams my front yard from dawn till dusk.  My human family has set up the “Natural Selection Convention” in our front yard: we have numerous bird feeders luring innocent birds for a snack; and numerous neighborhood  cats who come to “visit” with the birds while they attempt to eat. Black Kitty, who thinks he is very stealth, hides under the foliage in the front yard waiting for an unsuspecting bird to peck by. I have found feathers in our yard from his clueless victims. Even worse than the “Natural Selection Convention” is the “Bird Head Injury Window”. Our front window has wooden blinds and to me (who likes to poke the individual slats out of place) it seems very clear that the window is a stopping point for anyone going forward. Alas, many birds appear to not realize you cannot keep flying through a window, and they hit it at full speed –  POW – they drop to the porch, dazed. Black Kitty keeps an eye on the porch all day watching for birdie head injury victims, which he runs over and scoops up.

I watch Black Kitty and his shenanigans all day long out the front window, it is my primary job in my family (though my humans get annoyed when they have to continually clear my paw prints off the window). All day long he stares at me and mocks me whenever he gets the chance.

This week, Black Kitty made a bold move. Usually when my human takes my brother and me for a walk, Black Kitty relocates away from our front porch area to a safer location (could it be my vicious growling that makes him move??!?!?) Black Kitty however did not move when I went to walk by this week – he boldly stood there, daring me to bite off his nose as I came within inches of his hideous face. I decided not to maul him since my human was with me and I suspected his claws are sharper than mine. Now I must struggle with the terrible realization that I have failed to strike fear and sheer terror into the heart of Black Kitty.  He may no longer take seriously my continual body slamming against the window when he nears, oh no!

Here is a photo of me waiting for my human to take me on a walk, as I watch Black Kitty carefully from the screen door.

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Schnauzer Approved Clothing

My male human mainly wears Schnauzer-themed t-shirts. You might think this is weird but it does reinforce the natural awesomeness of Schnauzers.

He has quite the collection, and when some of his t-shirt wore out, he and my female human made them into a wallhanging quilt:

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Recently a couple more of his Schnauzer-themed t-shirt wore out and had to go into the “future t-shirt quilt” pile. So my female human got him a new t-shirt on Etsy from a company called HouseBroken Clothing:

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HouseBrokenClothing Etsy Shop

He is pretty excited about his new t-shirt and I heard him tell my female human that it was going now be his “dress t-shirt”.

Here is the cool tag that came with the t-shirt:

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Postscript

Although it is now in the “future t-shirt quilt” pile as it is worn out, this is my all time favorite Schnauzer t-shirt of my male human:

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Learning Bad Habits?

My male human just got his first “smartphone” (not sure why humans call them that). Previously he was likely the last human on earth with a flip phone. My female human made fun of him. When she got a new smartphone, she convinced him to trade in his flip phone for her old smartphone.

Now he has discovered “phone games” and he is teaching them to me:

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The time I spend with my male human playing game with him is our private time. You will see below I am a little annoyed with my female human for interrupting us with her incessant photography (documenting my extreme cuteness as usual…)

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I am not quite sure what I am doing on the “phone game” but I play along as I like snuggling with my male human (don’t worry this is just part of my overall strategy for human management, I am not growing soft or anything).


Postscript

Speaking of growing soft, I am having a little issue related to side effects from my new medication.

Let me back up: If you remember from a previous post, I was allegedly having seizures (I do not remember them but my humans say they were happening, I just remember being sore and confused) and it was discovered I had hypothyroidism.

I went on thyroid meds and started feeling better right away. Unfortunately a couple weeks later I started having seizures again. I ended up having to go on an anti-seizure medication, Keppra.

I am doing great on the medication, no more seizures, but I am dealing with a HUGE SIDE EFFECT: it is making me mellow and cuddly. So cuddly, against my better judgement, I ended up cuddling with my adopted brother Mike and even cleaning his ear (yuck, obviously I was in a drug-induced fog)!

Of course my human captured photos of this ghastly event:

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I quickly came to my senses after a couple ear-cleaning licks and you will see in the photo below I had to give my female human with the camera and irritated glare:

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Sigh, must everything be documented??!?!?!

 

Humans Training Tips

chalkboard-1186852-1279x980-2.jpgThis post is for canines living with homo sapiens (aka “humans”). I know the humans refer to you as their “pets” or your “owners”, but let’s be honest – who really owns who?

I already have a series of posts I have tagged as Managing Humans. But I thought I would  summarize for you some of my top three (3) tips for training humans to meet your needs.

Tip #1: Panting

Recently I was diagnoses with hypothyroidism and I went on thyroid meds. I am feeling better and stopped having those strange seizures I was allegedly having in the evening (I do not remember them, just that I was sore and confused).

Before I went on my thyroid meds I was panting a lot. Now that I am on my meds I do not need to pant as much but I have noticed that if I start panting, I can immediately get a human’s attention and concern.

I got put on a low fat diet because of some lab test results (I think they were faked by the suspicious vet office to sell my humans low fat food) and I am not pleased as the humans have cut back on any special table scrap treats (I need bacon to live!!!).

However I used my panting to get them to make some rice (I love rice) to add as a treat to my very boring low fat dog food (who came up with the idea of “dog food”, why can’t we just eat as our humans eat?).

Tip #2: Staring

Staring is a powerful tool to train humans to meet your needs. Mine is called the “Schnauzer Stare” but even if you are not a schnauzer you can perfect this. Breeds such as labs and golden retriever will struggle with this, as when they stare at their humans they will only look cuter (especially golden) and the humans will not realize the purpose of the stare. (However see Tip #3 as “cuteness” can also be a powerful tool to train humans).

When I really want to emphasize the power of my stare, I will shift my weight back and forth on my front lets, to demonstrate my impatience that the human is not doing what I want them to do.

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Never underestimate the power of the stare

A proper stare should actually feel like a glare, especially if time is passing and the human(s) are not abiding your wishes.

Tip #3: Doing Cute Things

The third and sometimes the most powerful tip is to do something cute. Well something the humans find cute.

Have you ever wondered why puppies are not smothered in their sleep by humans? Even after they pee and poop everywhere, chew up their shoes, etc? It is the power of CUTENESS.

If you can elicit an “Awwwwwwwwww” from your humans, you got them hooked!

Here is a photo of one of my classic cute poses used to control my humans:

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My humans become putty in my paws when I do stuff like this.

I hope these tips helped you. Start slow and build. In the future we will move to more advanced human training techniques.


Featured image credit: Chalkboard by BSK, free images.com

The Situation

I know, I know, I rarely post. I am just so busy managing humans I can barely find time to relax, much less time to post to my blog.

I did want to share a recent situation that I had to deal with…

My female human was sitting around with this – a little plate of apples and almond butter:

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I LOVE apples and I LOVE almond butter. Selfishly the female human was eating them in front of me and not sharing.

So I had to implement the SCHNAUZER STARE:

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In addition to the stare, I have an intimidation/human management technique where I shift my weight side to side and clear my throat (in case she is not noticing the burning glare of my stare).

It worked and before I knew it I had experienced a taste of both apple and almond butter.

But I wanted more and had to implement the stare again:

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I think my female human could have saved herself and me a lot of time if she had just made me my own plate!

Suspicious Schnauzer Quilt Coziness

My adopted brother Mike, who loves quilts, has discovered a new way to get cozy in a handmade quilt made by one of our humans (my female and male human, both who I manage, make quilts for Mike and I to stay cozy in).

Here is a quilt covering my female human as she sat on the sofa (my sofa) and read a book:

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But the quilt holds a secret occupant:

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My female human was all snuggled in the quilt, engrossed in her book, when she noticed some movement going on in the corner of the quilt at the floor and then a schnauzer sigh of contentment and the movement stopped.

She peeked under the quilt and discovered this:

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My crazy brother Mike was snuggled inside. I think he just does stuff like this because my humans think it is so cute and he is trying to get attention. I better keep an eye on him because I do not want him taking over as the lead on managing humans!

I am the only Manager the humans need!

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